free divorces for everybody?
Yes, you read that right. I claim that ALL marriages, as currently defined, are unconstitutional. Gay, straight, nonagenarian, octopoid, whatever. Doesn't matter, it's all unconstitutional.
How did I arrive at this extreme conclusion? It's actually pretty simple:
1) The First Amendment states, in relevant part, that "Congress shall make no law regarding an establishment of religion."
This is pretty straightforward. I think a lot of people misread it to say that Congress can't make a law that touches on religion in any way, but that's not what I believe it means. It is intended to prevent Congress from pushing a single national religion like, say, the Church of England, to the exclusion of other religions. In the broader interpretations of today (which have gone rather too far, in my opinion), it has been taken to mean that anything to do with religion is strictly off-limits, which works in this argument's favor, really; but even without that, the gist of this section of the First Amendment is that Congress cannot make a law that favors one religion--or subset of religions--over another.
2) Marriage, as currently constituted in the U.S., is specific to a particular subset of religions.
Okay, this is a little less obvious, but not too complicated. Marriage takes different forms in different religions. In Mormonism, marriage is a union between one man and any number of women. In modern Protestantism, marriage is between two consenting adults, but can be dissolved by mutual agreement. In modern Catholicism, marriage is between two consenting adults and cannot be dissolved except under extraordinary circumstances. (Sure, a lot of catholics may not really follow these rules, but nonetheless that's how it's defined by the religion.) In Hindi, marriage requires only a father's assent for his daughter to marry; her agreement is not necessary.
So. Many forms of marriage. The U.S. legal system defines marriage as between two people and requires that they both agree to it. This clearly disenfranchises Mormonism (Mormons were, in fact, required to disavow polygamy in their state constitution before Utah would be admitted), Hindi, and quite probably several other religions.
3) Therefore, our current state-approved marriage arrangement is unconstitutional.
And now, the solution, which I'm sure many of you can see coming:
Civil unions.
The state sanctions the union of two people as a benefit to society for the purposes of family stability, child-raising skill, and any number of other positive elements. The state disavows any religious overtones to the ceremony. Two people who wish to be married can do so according to their religious beliefs. Just as it is now, though, if they wish to gain the civil benefits that come with their union, they must register with the state and file an affidavit stating that they meet the government's criteria for a civil union and wish to be so recognized. If they do not register, or they do not qualify, then the many and varied governmental benefits that come from being in a civil union (qualifying as a family member for next-of-kin notifications, being covered under "family" insurance, being able to pay extra tax because you're "filing jointly", etc.) will not accrue to you.
Now the other key to this, which many of you may not like, is that according to the Constitution and many other laws of the land, nobody can be discriminated against based on their sex, race, religious orientation, sexual preference, or any of several other criteria. This means that if a civil union is written as a union between two persons of the opposite sex, the law could be struck down on the basis of sexual discrimination. A civil union must be defined as between two people, period. It is allowed regardless of their race, their sexual preference, their sex, their religion, their political affiliation, whatever.
Thus marriage is returned to the clergy where it belongs, and the government is no longer defying the constitution by discriminating against certain religious practices.
(Now I'm sure you're all just dying to tell me what a genius I am, or what a moron I am, or something in between. Please, go right ahead.)